Imagine my astonishment at hearing what sounded like my name being spoken by this hairy creature I had just clonked on the noggin! Had these beings, (obviously Sasquatches from an Ice-Moon of Jupiter
-nothing escapes the trained eye of a Paranormal Investigation Theorist) been following me and tracking my every word and motion? Were they able to read my thoughts and thus discover my name? I did a quick analysis of this now peaceful creature. He/she/it was still breathing but remained quite still, making it easy to go over every inch of the body for clues as to it's origin. Although obviously covered with hair there were some puzzling aspects to this specimen: For one thing, the lower extremities were sheathed in denim. I had not read this in any of the Extra-Terrestrial journals that I follow (Norv writes one, as does Maximillian and there's Gunther Spurck out at Porcupine Plain, near Preeceville) so I surmised that somehow, these creatures have managed to grow cotton on the frozen wasteland of Io! Further investigation revealed that his foot pads were covered in a mix of canvas (probably from the same cottonfields) plastic and rubber compounds.
The next step, of course, was to perform an autopsy to see if it had any internal organs that resemble ours. I didn't have the luxury of washing up and this was going to be the largest creature I ever cut open (for investigative purposes). I got out my trusty swiss army knife and my black crayon for marking where I was going to cut when suddenly, the creature began to groan! It thrust it's hands forward and seemed to be asking for something. I slowly lifted my club and was just about to clonk it one more time when it began making communicative noises and gestures. I gave it a light shot to the side of the head to bring it to it's senses. Another two smacks to the temple got it making audible noises. I took a good look at it's face while it writhed on the ground and it dawned on me that the facial structure was that of a large badger!
It tried to speak and the sound made me shudder in relentless horror...it was saying "Blitz! Blitz! Blitz!"
I gave it another swat in the head with the club. It yelled "OW! Stop!" I gave it one more bat to the side of the head and it got quiet again. This giant space badger looked up at me with pleading eyes and said "Blitz, it's me, Pearly!" I gave it another smack and it finally went limp. "Itzmipurlee"? Was this a code word or phrase meant to bring some automaton to active duty? Some series of commands to bring down the mother ship? I lifted my club to give one more blow when, to my surprise, the creature pulled his own head off!
There was another head under that one, like a Russian nesting doll, except this was one I recognized...the headless badger was Pearly!
(to be continued)
9 comments:
Interesting fact: The Russian nesting doll (synonyms - nested doll, stacking doll) or matryoshka as it is sounded in Russian - is probably, the most popular Russian national souvenir.
Just so you know, Blitz.
I really like those dolls.
Hi Blitz.
Do you have a recipe for pesto? I'm not even really sure what it is, but everybody likes it.
Thanks.
What type of jeans was Pearly wearing? Because those skinny jeans are not for everyone. I know they're showing on all the catwalks in London, Paris and New York, but let me tell you, those things are hideous if you're not tall and thin. Tell Pearly to embrace his inner beauty and to wear a relaxed boot cut. It really does flatter most body shapes.
Hi Blitz.
The Pennsylvania Bigfoot Society is once again accepting applications for new memberships at this time. Please be aware that applications for active membership are by invitation only. Once the applicant has attended one of the following public functions such as a Hike, Outing, Expedition or event and we get to know the applicant and the applicant gets to know us, the group will decide if the applicant will be given an invitation. Please submit an application so that we may contact you to join us in a public outing to get to know you and therefore make the decision if an invitation to join will be given.
Blitz, I KNOW you will be accepted. Click the link on my name above and you will be connected to our website. Tell them Brother Plenkman recommended you. Good luck!
Dear Blitz,
Larry King said it best, “Not all Paranormal Investigation Theorists carry the same nogan,” – funnily enough a term that you use, Blitz. Once again you illuminate our world as you share your close encounters with potential aliens. But this one came way too close, Blitz. Be careful. Badgers can be dangerous. My aunt used to raise them back in Kentucky. She was even married to one for a short while until cousin Bobby found out it , got jealous and shot it. He turned the critter into hamburger meat and fed his wife on Valentine’s day. You should meet his wife one day, Blitz. She visits Jasper all the time. Next time she’s there, I will ask her to hop on the ferry and come and visit you in Saskatchewan. A short cruise will do her good. I’ll make sure her visit remains discreet. You don’t want cousin Bobby mad at you. He is a bad man – a very, very bad man. Once he killed 5 aliens in one afternoon. It so happened that one day his truck ran out of gas in the middle of a deserted field and he saw a shiny ball in the sky –much like you. The aliens that popped out of wanted to abduct him and probe his insides. Well Bobby wasn’t going to take that for a minute. He jumped on those aliens, strangled them one by one , chopped them into little cubes and made southern stew – for the entire family. It was the best alien stew I ever tasted. I think he slow cooks it or about 5 hours at 300 degrees. The meat just falls apart. Although between you and me, I think he uses a little too much in oregano in the sauce. We all believe that cousin Bobby is going to have his own show on the Food network one day. He always tells us, “Martian meat is good for steaks, but if you want to make yourself some good stew, you need to catch yourself some Jupitarians.” And he right. Fortunately, They drop by here the first Thursday of every month. Martians are more temperamental and unreliable. You never know when they’re going to show up and when they do, they tend to be armed and hostile. They usually put up quite a fight. Do they behave the same way in Canada?
Jed, you're absolutely right about cooking the stew at 300 for 5 hours. Works for ANY meat.
Hello. I am interested in attending the Krutthammer Institute for Higher Theorizations. How much is the tuition, and do you offer scholarships? I believe I would qualify for a scholarship as my friends always say that I tell a lot of "tall tales", and that i "belong in an institute". I'm always coming up with theories about all sorts of things. For example, I'm pretty sure I know why marshmellows are soft. And also, why do trees usually grow upwards? I have a theory about that too! Please send me the registration forms for your institute. Thank you.
I am sorry to hear you almost killed Pearly by mistaking him for an alien. From the descriptions and pictures on your travel blog, I don't know how you possibly could have thought Pearly was worthy of performing an autopsy on.
You of all people, Blitz, should know that the "Greys" are the extra terrestrial species that are most often reported by people around the world. They are described as having a large head which is proportionally much larger relative to its body than the heads of humans, slit for mouth, indentations for nose and ears, hands are webbed with only four fingers, thin body.
Reports from individuals who have been in contact with the Greys vary on their intentions: some say they are kind beings-here to guide us through our evolution, while others believe they are cruel invaders intent on ruling the planet. One thing is certain, most people who have come in contact with Greys believe that they are actively abducting people on a regular basis. The Greys are reported to be abducting individuals and extracting eggs or precious bodily fluids to create a grey-human hybrid. Most importantly, the Greys have entered into a contract with the U.S. government to trade their advanced technology for permission to abduct U.S. citizens.
Blitz, BE CAREFUL out there.
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