The Krutthammer Institute Of Higher Theorizations

I'm taking a time out from my riveting tale to answer an important letter:

"Hello. I am interested in attending the Krutthammer Institute for Higher Theorizations. How much is the tuition, and do you offer scholarships? I believe I would qualify for a scholarship as my friends always say that I tell a lot of "tall tales", and that i "belong in an institute". I'm always coming up with theories about all sorts of things. For example, I'm pretty sure I know why marshmellows are soft. And also, why do trees usually grow upwards? I have a theory about that too! Please send me the registration forms for your institute. Thank you" 

.Zack Greely

I get thousands of requests from aspiring Paranormal Investigation Theorists every week and since I've come back I have neglected to inform you all as to how the Institute operates.

Let me be up front and tell you that I don't offer scholarships. 

I don't know what that is.

What I am looking for is super smart intuitive individuals who are willing to sacrifice everything to continue our noble work and possibly help out with the grinding from time to time. 

Here's a photo of the Institute just outside of Angus Hat, Saskatchewan, Canada, Earth:

The metallic disc in the top left corner is a hubcap Norv was using to practice his skeet shooting. You have a clear picture of the main building and in the background on the left is our investigative mobile unit, the "Paranormobile" which is fitted with the latest technology. we don't have a dormitory as yet but students are welcome to live in the woods out back if they bring their own tents and sleeping bags. There is a small "foraging fee" if you eat what's in the woods. 

Class begins a eleven in the morning on Mondays, Thursdays and alternating Fridays. On all other days, class begins at eleven ten. On the alternating Fridays we go on an actual field trip and put what you've learned in the classroom to practical use - and collect ingredients for sausage making (squirrels won't come of their own volition, you know). If you take the full course, you also participate in the Saturday sausage-making and foot-bathing ritual. 

After five years of intense study you will become a trained Paranormal Investigation Theorist! Your degree will allow you to work in the fascinating world of Theorisms and the skill sets you develop can get you other work, like esoteric tour guide or psychic - or even telephone marketing specialist!

The faculty is well known to millions of our regular readers:

Porky Smuts teaches Inter-galactic Signing, Norv teaches Archaic Non-Languages, Lem teaches how to build Paranormal Traps and Detectors (He outfitted the Paranomobile and runs a filing station) Pearly teaches Intuitive Psychic Communication with non-humans And Maximillian is Guidance Counsellor, Nurse and Janitor.

I myself conduct lectures twice a day, working from a free form improvisational curriculum. Our fee is ten dollars a day or five dollars a day if you promise to be our friend. Ladies don't pay at all! At the end of every semester we go on a major field trip to Uranium City! 

Enrollment must be in person and there will be some incidental tests of strength and ordeal by fire to find the most promising candidates.

Here are the directions for getting to Angus Hat: If you decide to fly here, make sure the plane (or other craft) is not flying too low when you jump out. If you time it right, you can land in the pond down the road from the Institute. if you take the Trans-Canada highway through Saskatchewan, there's a grain elevator with an abandoned Texaco station next to it. There's a dirt road heading north right near there. it's the only one that comes this way - in fact, it becomes Main Street here in Angus Hat! Stay on the dirt road for about four hundred and eighty five miles and you'll come to a big rock. The road will veer west and you'll go another three hundred and eighteen miles until you come to a clump of trees. The road will veer north and you'll go another two hundred and sixty six miles until you get to a farmhouse. Then you travel another forty four miles and you'll see the sign for Angus Hat. Then it's another hundred and seventy one miles north west and here you are! Remember to fill up your gas tank since there's no filling stations until you get here. Then you can go to Lem's filling station. He sells gas.

Looking forward to meeting all you applicants! Remember, it's first come first serve!

Blitz Out