I was both stunned and astonished - then I felt dizzy - possibly from the stunning astonishment. Losing my footing in the process, I tumbled down to a clearing and, flat on my back, saw what I had felt; off in the distant sky, a luminous entity, hovering and glowing in mid air. I quickly pulled out my trusty crayons and sketch pad and delineated in careful detail what I was viewing:
When my abject horror subsided, I reconnected with my cool, detached, professional objectivity.
My first conclusion was that the Cow Mutilating Aliens had finally caught up with me as I had obviously gotten too close to the truth in my paranormal investigations. I resigned myself to a quick liquidation as I was certain that they had an onboard death-ray and since they probably admired my skills and respected my credentials as a theorist, they would wish me a quick and glorious end.
I waited, teeth clenched and eyes closed for about an hour but the luminous craft had not moved any closer. My next conclusion was that my discovery of the pyramid shaped mound may have triggered an alarm and some guardian or watchman had been dispatched to the scene to collect information.
I stood in the clearing and tried to communicate using sign language. You may be wondering, devoted reader, what kind of universal sign language was Blitz using?
It is a well known fact among theorists in my area of expertise (paranormal investigation) that the Michael Jackson video "Billy Jean" is actually the first in a series of training films for Universal Alien Symbolic Signage (or UASS as it's known in our circles) which include "Thriller" and "Bad". It's pretty much an open secret that Michael Jackson was one of the top Extra-Terrestrial leaders, known to politicians and statesmen as an emissary. His aberrant behavior is stone cold proof of his unfamiliarity with our world's ways.
I must have "danced" for two hours or so and still no response. I noticed as time passed that the luminous object took all night to slowly drift across the sky. Dawn was fast approaching and the entity was fading. What was their mission? To watch me over the span of the evening and check out my fine crotch-grabbing signing? I didn't have time to process the facts as I turned and noticed a tall hairy being staring at me from the bush!
to be continued.
5 comments:
Hello "Blitz". I am a first-time reader. I find your thoughts about MJ's alien propensities fascinating. I don't know if you are aware but it is a known fact in scientific circles that Michael Jackson was an alien who visited Ancient Egypt. Click the link on my name and you will see the proof. Thank you.
Oh boy oh boy oh boy!! Now it's gonna get real good. Sounds like Lem or possibly Pearly's gonna git in on this story, if I interpret Blitz's foreshadowing right. "Tall hairy being", that's gotta be Pearly, right? Right?? Maybe Lem, but I'd heard he shaves regularly now, so I dunno bout that.
C'mon Blitz mah man!! Give us the goods! I'll be here singin' the high & lonesome harmony to your melodic storyline till you bring it home! Yep! Yep! Yep!!
Frenny Linksta
Let's talk again about an all-too-familiar subject: Blitz and his amateurish, jaundiced witticisms.
As I keep trying to explain in my own blog (johnfastendin.livejournal.com), Blitz is really saying that the world is crying out to labor beneath his firm but benevolent heel. That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that the ideas of "freedom" and "pessimism" are Siamese twins. Every perceptive person who examines the evidence objectively will understand that Blitz justifies his vituperations with a specious veneer of science. I've already explained why, but let me add that no one has a higher opinion of Blitz than I, and I think Blitz is a drossy weasel.
I guess that's not surprising when you consider that Blitz claims to have turned over a new leaf. Maybe. But turn it over, and you'll find the most revolting coterie of illiberal stumblebums, panting and eager to obey his every whim.
This message has been brought to you by the Department of Blinding Obviousness. What might not be so obvious, however, is that the central paradox of Blitz's revenge fantasies, the twist that makes Blitz's refrains so irresistible to rude, juvenile devious-types, is that these people truly believe that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking.
Let me sum up. Blitz's propaganda (gussied up as humble 'tales' and countrified 'journeys') have no basis in science or in human experience. Instead, they consist of smarmy rantings derived from a world view rooted in contentious, truculent Maoism.
People, we should soothe each other's pain, not exploit it!
Hello again, John.
I know it's been awhile since our college days and the badminton team, but I think of you often. I happened upon your blog on the "Where Are They Now?" section of the ol' alma mater's website. I perused your lengthy and impressive list of journal publications, and, I have to say I am not surprised by your accomplishments in the world of academia. What I am surprised by, however, is the nasty, cynical and, dare I say, bullying tone of your blog. I remember you as a mirthful, jolly fellow, always ready with a kind word and a great big hug. What in heaven's name has this person Blitz done to you? He must be a monster to have awakened this great sleeping ball of hate in you. How has he hurt you, John? Perhaps it will help to remember the sweet, compassionate friend to all that you were in our youth.
With great affection,
Kellert "Tippytoes" Branson
My 'friend'.
You were always fond of reciting feeble verse to me, thinking that superfluous words and dim ditties would cheer the mind and chase the foulness that lingers.
I recall too many of your mangled verses that you insisted on trumpeting at me in your beloved sport court, as if you were some sort of modern-day Polly Anna, your simpering smile masking intent that only too late did I realize was Fabianism in its most besotted form --a gangrene to our society.
I bear you no ill will, but it's only fitting that I respond to you with a verse of my own, after all these vain years. Take it for what it is. I'm sure you will figure its meaning, Mr. "Tippytoes":
The bitter hand that flays the root
The sentiment that strays
The pity and the army boot
New-fangled fancy days
Your pipsqueak tones vex me
Be gone with your phony emergency
Johnny
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