Things had gone from bad to worse; we were frozen in place by a loud howl whose source was quite close. We all turned in unison to see one of the Blaine twins struggling on the ground trying to dislodge an angry chipmunk from his ear (apparently the same one we had evicted from Pearly's badger ear). With one firm tug, Spike pulled the offending rodent off and promptly drop kicked it towards a group of trees. His trajectory was off, unfortunately, and the chipmunk ended up in Pearly's groin area, forcing a girlish squeal.
I'm happy to report to all you animal lovers out there that the chipmunk scampered off seemingly unharmed, although he did run, in a zigzag fashion, right into a tree.
Everyone gathered their composure and we got on with the business at hand: How would we find our way back to Angus Hat. The Turtle Lakes Cryptosquad was not planning to leave the area just yet; They were on a twin mission of fact finding and bog-mass collecting that would be a few more days. I spoke with the team while sitting on Pearly to keep him from escaping to live with the badgers and at the same time prevent the cryptozoologists from performing an autopsy on him (despite my constant reminders that the subject had to be deceased for the procedure).
All this was wearing away at my calm demeanor so I tried to change the subject by asking the Blaine twins about their moss collecting. They told me that they had developed a super fuel while distilling fermented bog-mass. I asked what this material was and they described it as a mixture of moss, rotting wood and several species of amphibians (for that extra octane) that they slowly ferment and boil into a dark brew which is twice as powerful as gasoline and tastes like caramel flavored Russian vodka. They called it "Boggo"
Here's a picture of their process:
The Blaines were building up a stockpile of "Boggo" for use in their soon-to-begin SASKAR racing circuit. They enjoyed Cryptozoology but Sheldrake confided that it's very hard to keep the twins focused as they seem to always walk in oval circles, bumping into each other and running into trees and boulders.
Spike secretly told me that he was annoyed at their waving a flag every time they found any evidence of Cryptoids. It was during one of these charming discussions that I suddenly lost my balance and felt myself falling, falling into a mysterious endless darkness!
(to be continued)
14 comments:
Oh please. Not again. I am writing this because I take issue with some --no most-- of Blitz's corny anecdotes.
Truth be told, the first lies that Blitz told us were relatively benign. Still, they have been progressing. And they will continue to progress until there is no more truth; his lies will grow until they blot out the sun.
He will hate me for saying this, but his theories are a pitiful jumble of incoherent nonsense.
Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous commentaries: Blitz snorts around like a truffle pig in search of proof that crass, pugnacious converts to Pyrrhonism are all inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive.
Well, phooey on you-ey, Mr. Klappenhammer.
You may find it instructive to contrast the things I like, with the things that Blitz likes:
• I like listening to music. Blitz likes criticizing other people's beliefs, fashion sense, and lifestyle.
• I like kittens and puppies. Blitz likes suppressing controversy and debate.
• I like spending time with friends. Blitz likes threatening anyone who's bold enough to state that every time he gets caught trying to create a factitious demand for his wayward criticisms, he promises he'll never do so again.
Subsequently, his partisans always jump in and explain that he really shouldn't be blamed even if he does because, as they suspect, wowserism brings one closer to nirvana.
One thing is certain: He not only lies but brags about his lying to his brethren. Even if he is not conscious of the inner reason for his ploys, it has been a long-standing observation of mine that the only thing that differentiates him from headlong lamebrains is that the latter are at least honest about what they are.
I'm not saying that facetiously; as people who know me surely realize, I always mean what I say and say what I mean.
Kicking a chipmonk?
KICKING A CHIPMONK?
What kind of monster are you, Blitz Krutthammer? I'm afraid I'll be siding with John Fastendin from this time on.
Mr. Krutthammer,
I would like to invite the Blaine Twins to the 2011 International Biomass Conference and Expo, in St. Louis, Missouri. Their success in distilling fermented bog-mass into fuel would be absolutely spell-binding to our registrants.
See our website (linked to my name above) for contact info.
Norm
Just when I had passed the milestone of one year Fastendin-free, here I happen upon yet another blog commentary by him. I had been forced to un-favorite the charming Travels With Blitz blog because of the constant rantings and ravings of that caustic lunatic John Fastendin. So, imagine my surprise and displeasure to find his nasty comments here on my new favorite paranormal investigation site. When will the madness stop?
Let's all sing together now:
"Where, oh where has this Dr. Ping been?
Where, oh where did he hide?
With his ears cut low and his "brain thoughts" all fried,
He'll take us all for a ride."
Dr. Steven Ping's lack of professional ethics has become so flagrant that it merits your complete attention.
Let's review the errors in Dr. Ping's statements in order. First, nobody ever went broke underestimating Dr. Ping's intelligence. Dr. Ping's unbalanced ravings are a sin against nature. Second thought, same as the first (read it again, you can't get no worse.)
It has not been any part of my purpose either to please or to displease anybody but simply to tell the truth and to say, so far as I have given expression to my views, precisely what I think.
And what I think is this: Dr. Steven Ping's ability to flap his gums greatly exceeds his cognitive skills.
STOP the madness!
Dr. Ping: Is it madness, or could it be the sanity you so crave? Remove your blinkers and come to the haven of enlightenment. Join us as we soldier on to clear murky philosophies and mundane sophistries from our fair land.
This is my appeal.
Just an additional minor quibble here from me today. After some contemplation, I have come to realize that I can no longer stomach the loathsome actions that the Blain Twins represent, courtesy Blitz's insistent pseudo-reporting.
I don't just want to make a point. I don't just want to drain the swamp of influence-peddling and the system of pay-to-play.
I'm here to give an alternate solution, a better one.
I don't just ask rhetorical questions; I have answers. That's why I'm telling you that these so-called Blain Twins have become a patsy to their own Boggo-fueled malevolence.
Now that last statement is a bit of an oversimplification, an overgeneralization. But it is nevertheless substantially true.
One of Blitz's critics bears a name suspiciously similar to a prominent sponsor of NASCAR driver Carl Edwards: "Fastenal".
Carl has had a great season, so far, and is currently leading the Sprint series in points. I'll have to keep an eye on SASKAR to see how that "Boggo" fuel compares with the usual Sunoco stuff.
Nascar, Saskar, it's all so....... jejune.
Hey, Fastendin, did the morality police finally pull the plug on your so-called journal? It doesn't seem to load. It's about time...
Mr. Harold Shmeng's criticisms of my letters have never successfully disproved a single fact I ever presented. Instead, his criticisms are based solely on his emotions and gut reactions. Well, I refuse to get caught up in Mr. Shmeng's "I think... I believe... I feel..." game.
Griping about Mr. Shmeng will not make him stop trying to spit on sacred icons. But even if it did, he would just find some other way to fracture family unity.
There are two things we need to do right away. First, we need to lead us all toward a better, brighter future.
Second —and this is critical so get out your highlighter— we need to clarify and correct some of the inaccuracies present in his conclusions.
Once those two things are accomplished we can finally start discussing how Mr. Harold Shmeng says that he is known for his sound judgment, unerring foresight, and sagacious adaptation of means to ends.
That's a stupid thing to say. It's like saying that those who disagree with him should be cast into the outer darkness, should be shunned, should starve.
Mr. Shmeng relies heavily on "useful idiots", that is, people who unwittingly do Mr. Shmeng's dirty work for him. Without his swarms of useful idiots, Mr. Shmeng would not have been able to conceal the fact that my only wonder is, what exactly is he trying to hide?
To rephrase that question, when will he come clean and admit that he intends to set up dissident groups and individuals for conspiracy charges and then carry out searches and seizures on flimsy pretexts?
The key is to realize that we can divide Mr. Shmeng's arguments into three categories: lamebrained, unbalanced, and impractical.
On a more pedestrian level, and I'll be closing with this thought, Mr. Shmeng is a mumpish carouser.
In fact, Mr. Shmeng is worse than a mumpish carouser; he's also a pretentious scum.
Where is everyone, and why are they so scared? Fear is the mulch upon which the worms of progress make their march. Remember that only you can stand firm against the Maoism so rooted in cultural icons such as Betty Gable and Julia Childs.
As a museum curator, my tastes are varied and exquisite, and my love for the beautiful, boundless.
John Fastendin has stated many times his diabolical desire to quash all forms of art - film, books, theatre, and the written word. Please, all brilliant and talented fans of Blitz Krutthammer, we must band together against this tyranny.
Online petition at link on my name
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