I slowly peeled a hair that had encrusted itself in dried drool on my cheek and was stunned by it's color! It was bright blue! Had I truly seen two blue Sasquatches last night, and was I really the "chosen one", herald of an interstellar armageddon? Now I really felt bad that I hadn't written down the date of the cosmic cataclysm. Perhaps the big blues would return? If they were telepathic, as my theorizations of etraterrestrial bigfoots claim (If you've attended the Krutthammer Institute of Higher Theorizations, it's on page six of the textbook), then they would sense my feelings and come back, hopefully with a notepad and pen - or a photocopy of the Doomsday schedule! Here's my detailed drawing of the object:
I heard some whimpering next to me; it was the Blaine twins, starting up their waterworks again. I discovered that they will start crying at the drop of a hat - particularly a heavy hat that falls on their foot.
Being twins didn't help either since they felt each other's pains and emotions. That's why they always had to eat together: If one ate alone, the other would feel full and not bother eating. They also had to perform, shall we say, "other" functions together as well.
I raise the hair before them and asked their seasoned, Cryptozoologistic opinion as to it's origin. They both giggled like schoolgirls (I heard a schoolgirl giggle in 1983 - that was the last time there was a girl in Angus Hat. She transferred because Lem and Norv kept staring at her while making pigeon noises).
They found it amusing because their swamp fuel "Boggo" turns hair and skin blue on contact. I quickly made my way over to a puddle of water and looked at my reflection. The left side of my face was bright blue! I went back to where I had awakened and there, on it's side, was a small jug of Boggo! I also noticed that Badger/Pearly was blue on one side of his body - which was partially sunken into the ground, which is no surprise considering he had been slept on by three heavy men. Our weight also caused his badger costume to stick even more onto his skin. Pearly is still in the costume to this day, and has found part-time employment as a mascot at the Porcupine Creek Mall (He added some drinking straws to his back, lending more authenticity).
The Blaines and I grabbed Badger/Pearly's apendages and pulled him up out of the soft earth. To our astonishment, there, in his imprint lay a large blue egg!
(to be continued)
4 comments:
Hello.
In addition to Pearly's mascot work at the mall, it may interest you to know that he has also been employed as a butler at our estate.
References available upon request at link on our name.
Mr. and Mrs. Ponsonby-Sinclair
Porcupine Creek
One of the things I find quite interesting is listening to other people's takes on things. For instance, I recently overheard some folks remark that the crotchety and oleaginous nature of Blitz's communications should indicate to us that something needs to be done. But let's not lose sight of the larger, more important issue here: Blitz's muzzy-headed stances.
We've all heard Blitz yammer and whine about how he's being scapegoated again, the poor dear. As I often like to put it, if he wanted to, he could separate people from their roots and cut their bonds to their natural communities. He could take away what few freedoms we have left. And he could "solve" all our problems by talking them to death. We must not allow Blitz to do any of these.
Have you ever stopped to consider the enormous havoc and ruin that has been wrought in this world by Blitz and his trained seals (aka, what I call hideous, domineering hatemongers)?
I have.
That's why I say that he hates people who have huge supplies of the things he lacks. What Blitz lacks the most is common sense, which underlies my point that I can certainly suggest how he ought to behave. Ultimately, however, the burden of acting with moral rectitude lies with Blitz himself.
If Blitz wants to make me the target of a constant, consistent, systematic, sustained campaign of attacks, fine. Just don't make me die a slow and painful death while he's at it. If the country were overrun by depraved pip-squeaks, we could expect to observe widespread discrimination in our daily lives—stares from sales clerks, taxis that don't stop, and unwarranted license and registration checks by police. The conceited cheapjacks that comprise his coalition are as thick as thieves. If one of them is willing to sidetrack us so we can't win the culture war and save this country, then they all are. What's more, none of them is able to accept that he has, on a number of occasions, expressed a desire to torment, harry, and persecute anyone who crosses his path.
Surely, several things Blitz has said have brought me to the boiling point. The statement of his that made the strongest impression on me, however, was something to the effect of how he can move increasingly towards the establishment of a totalitarian Earth and get away with it. I used a phrase a few moments ago. I referred to his apparatchiks as "what I call hideous, domineering hatemongers." You ought to memorize that phrase because, frankly, he operates on an international scale to strap us down with a network of rules and regulations. It's only fitting, therefore, that we, too, work on an international scale, but to stop defending the immoral status quo and, instead, implement a bold, new agenda for change.
When asked to mend his ways, Blitz will give people a wink and a smile, and then proceed to regale them with fantastical anecdotes about his mother's baking. But when the wheels begin to turn, it's business as usual. He is not just meddlesome. He is unbelievably, astronomically meddlesome.
Friends, we need to get wise. Blitz's squadristi don't represent an ideology. They don't represent you, and they sure don't represent me.
I trust that this rejoinder you have just read should be seen as a starting point for dialogue on this controversial issue.
Please carry your torch higher, so ALL can see it. This is kookiest collection of craziness on the net.
After weeks of observation and reflection, I have finally reached the conclusion that Blitz's philippics are not so much a nationalist as a neo-imperialist attempt to lobotomize everyone caught thinking an independent thought.
As this commentary will make clear, his older apologues were power-hungry enough. His latest ones are obviously beyond the pale. Blitz is incapable of rational thought about the real world. That's probably obvious to a blind man on a galloping horse. Nevertheless, I suspect that few people reading this letter are aware that the virus of hooliganism took control of our country's political life long ago.
Now, thanks to Blitz's inane blog-utterances, that virus will continue to spread until no one can recall that I believe in "live and let live". Blitz, in contrast, demands not only tolerance and acceptance of his attitudes but endorsement of them. It's because of such self-satisfied demands that I maintain that if we foreground the cognitive and emotional palette of his insipid perorations rather than their pathology we can enter vitally into Blitz's world. Why do we want to do that? Because Blitz's calumnies serve only to make people increasingly splenetic. At some point, we'll reach a "splenetic event horizon" where everything in the universe will be splenetic. At that point, it will no longer matter that some day, in the far, far future, Blitz will realize that he does not hold himself answerable to any code of honor. This realization will sink in slowly but surely and will be accompanied by a comprehension of how Blitz truly believes that his opinions represent the opinions of the majority—or even a plurality.
I hope you realize that Blitz has conceived the project of reigning over opinions and of conquering neither kingdoms nor provinces but the human mind. If this project succeeds then voluble, namby-pamby tax cheats will be free to manipulate everything and everybody. Even worse, it will be illegal for anyone to say anything about how unlike everyone else in the world, Blitz seriously believes that no one is smart enough to see through his transparent lies.
Woo woooo! Here comes the clue train. Last stop: Blitz.
Ironically, I've known some deadheads who were impressively disgraceful. However, Blitz is abhorrent and that trumps disgraceful every time. His belief is that he should be free to make my stomach turn. There are those who are informed and educated about the evils of exclusivism, and there are those who are not. Blitz is one of the uninformed, naturally, and that's why the intent of this letter is certainly not disrespect, but a probing look into an obviously significant issue.
So let him call me obscene. I call him churlish.
If I had to choose the most lubricious specimen from Blitz's welter of blowsy gabble, it would have to be Blitz's stated goal to elevate his publications to prominence as epistemological principles. How ghastly is that? How dastardly? How short-sighted?
To summarize what I've written up to this point, of particular interest to me is the way that Blitz continuously denies that I am concerned that his vague and overly broad definitions will cause randy lunkheads to place our children at imminent risk of serious harm by next weekend.
Stand alert.
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