When I finally lifted my head the morning after our pow wow, I was disturbed by the carnage before me. Apart from my pretzel-ish sleeping position, twisted in as I was with the Blaine twins, I saw Spike hanging by the foot from the top of a giant Spruce tree. Sheldrake was lying next to the remains of our campfire, but he obviously spent the night spinning slowly in a fetal position to where he was a few feet deep in a perfectly round pit.
I slowly peeled a hair that had encrusted itself in dried drool on my cheek and was stunned by it's color! It was bright blue! Had I truly seen two blue Sasquatches last night, and was I really the "chosen one", herald of an interstellar armageddon? Now I really felt bad that I hadn't written down the date of the cosmic cataclysm. Perhaps the big blues would return? If they were telepathic, as my theorizations of etraterrestrial bigfoots claim (If you've attended the Krutthammer Institute of Higher Theorizations, it's on page six of the textbook), then they would sense my feelings and come back, hopefully with a notepad and pen - or a photocopy of the Doomsday schedule! Here's my detailed drawing of the object:
I heard some whimpering next to me; it was the Blaine twins, starting up their waterworks again. I discovered that they will start crying at the drop of a hat - particularly a heavy hat that falls on their foot.
Being twins didn't help either since they felt each other's pains and emotions. That's why they always had to eat together: If one ate alone, the other would feel full and not bother eating. They also had to perform, shall we say, "other" functions together as well.
I raise the hair before them and asked their seasoned, Cryptozoologistic opinion as to it's origin. They both giggled like schoolgirls (I heard a schoolgirl giggle in 1983 - that was the last time there was a girl in Angus Hat. She transferred because Lem and Norv kept staring at her while making pigeon noises).
They found it amusing because their swamp fuel "Boggo" turns hair and skin blue on contact. I quickly made my way over to a puddle of water and looked at my reflection. The left side of my face was bright blue! I went back to where I had awakened and there, on it's side, was a small jug of Boggo! I also noticed that Badger/Pearly was blue on one side of his body - which was partially sunken into the ground, which is no surprise considering he had been slept on by three heavy men. Our weight also caused his badger costume to stick even more onto his skin. Pearly is still in the costume to this day, and has found part-time employment as a mascot at the Porcupine Creek Mall (He added some drinking straws to his back, lending more authenticity).
The Blaines and I grabbed Badger/Pearly's apendages and pulled him up out of the soft earth. To our astonishment, there, in his imprint lay a large blue egg!
(to be continued)
When I regained consciousness, my slowly opening eyes focused on Spike, Sheldrake, Badger Pearly and the Blaine twins standing in a circle around me. My first groggy thoughts went to Stonehenge and other stone circles - were they preparing a sacrifice, like the Druids of old? I checked my mobility, just to make certain that I was not trussed up like a game hen, but my arms and legs were untied. Spike leaned down to give me a hand up but his pointy hair poked one of the Blaines in the eye. With both twins having hair trigger tear ducts, they burst into wails and howls, since they automatically feel each other's pain (I believe that's called sympathetic induction, otherwise known as "Bill Clinton Syndrome").
Amidst whispers of consolation I inquired as to what had happened to me, to cause my collapse into unconsciousness: Sheldrake claimed that the Blaines uncorked a jug of Boggo right next to me and since I had not as yet developed an immunity to it's fumes, I immediately keeled over in a heap.
I decided it was time for a pow-wow. Spike went searching for an eagle to pluck for our ceremonial headdresses but I managed to convince him that it was merely a figure of speech. That evening we sat around the campfire cross-legged and shared the peace pipe. We did not have a pipe, but through ingenuity and years of sausage-making experience, I fashioned one out of a wolverine's femur and a squirrel's skull.
We did not have tobacco so we made a pipe mixture of dried leaves, moss, twigs, some small toads and some very colorful mushrooms.
After passing the pipe around for about an hour or so, the three legged moose to my right began to honk like a goose, so much so that he actually turned into one- with large antlers. My mother was to my left, decked out as a Valkyre. She arose, singing a glorious aria, then promptly smashed a giant weasel next to her in the head. She then departed, spear in one hand and pulling the weasel by the foot with the other, up, up the rainbow bridge to Valhalla! I started to run my finger around my face; I had no idea there were two noses above my left eyebrow! I heard Pearly's voice in the distance; he was skreetching in a high falsetto - I believe the song was "See Vut Ze Boys In Ze Back Room Vil Have". Spike was covered in feathers and had blue antlers. Now that I think of it, he must have been the three legged moose. His antlers turned a bright green, then red. Batman arrived but he was not as I remembered him; he was heavier and had a long white beard. He jumped in place for a few minutes and followed that with several hand springs, after which he began walking on his hands, chanting "na-ma-shi-va-ya". He then rolled close to the fire, curling himself into a fetal position.
Suddenly, there appeared two identical Sasquatches, covered in bright blue fur. As psychotropically confused as I was, I still managed to find my crayons. Being as I am a trained paranormal investigation theorization specialist, I was determined to capture as much detail as possible. This is what I saw that night:
Upon reflection, I must admit that I was not my usual perceptive self. The blue bigfoots began to dance around the fire singing Abba's "Take A Chance On Me" until one stepped on the foot of the other, causing both to loudly wail, banshee-like, changing their song to Michael Bolton's "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You". Everything began to spin slowly and then faster, then I felt myself traveling over great multi-colored landscapes into space where I fell through a tunnel of throbbing lights!
I awoke in a nicely decorated Victorian bedroom with a very old man propped up in the bed. I looked closely at him - it was an older version of me! I stared at him/me for a while, not knowing what to talk about - after all, what is there to know that I don't already know of what I already know? He/I suddenly stiffened up and shouted "red rum! red rum!" I reached beside him/me and lifted the bottle of red rum to his/my lips. The bed vanished and I fell to the floor. The two blue Sasquatches appeared once more. They spoke in an Estonian dialect, but I fully understood them! It's a good thing I speak Estonian.
They warned me of a coming apocalypse, a cataclysmic armageddon from outer space that will come upon the Earth suddenly, and I was to be the herald of this doom! They told me the date and time, but I was too shy to ask for a pencil (how would it look? me, the herald of doomsday, with no pencil?) so I pretended that I got it and didn't write it down.
They then came closer to me, touched my forehead and all went black.
I awoke the next morning with a very dry mouth and a headache. I felt something under my armpit; It was one of the Blaine twins legs. I was face down, pressed against Pearly's Badger face which was now stuck to his skin in a semi-permanent state. Did we all just wake up from a hallucinogenic pipe smoking ceremony? That was my assumption until I found - a blue hair!
(to be continued)
